Metal vs. Old-Time

Listening: The Devil Makes Three, Do Wrong Right (2009), just to prove how metal I am not.

I am not kidding about this: This is post number 666.  I can't make this stuff up, people.  I didn't even plan that!

I'm scanning today.  Scanning at high resolution.  Scanning at high resolution is slow going, so I sometimes get bored and Google extracurricular things while I'm waiting for the scanner to run or the computer to save the resulting massive .tif file.  I've found lots of fun stuff this way.

I don't want to go into the particulars here, but a couple of years ago, I found myself in brief but close contact with metalheads.  I'm not going to say anything rubbed off on me; aside from loving heavy boots and the color black (black is my favorite color.  People don't guess that because I don't wear it that much.  My love of black is at odds with my love of 1940's dress patterns; their detailing is wasted on black fabric), I don't have a metal bone in my body.  I'm not going to fib about that.

However, I don't dislike metal.  Honestly, I find it a lot more listenable than rap, the little modern R&B I've heard, and show tunes.  I think I can go as far as saying I actively enjoy Ulver's Nattens Madrigal, although that might be cheating since it's way at the melodic end (I think.  Okay, I don't know what I'm talking about now).

It occurred to me that, while the specifics of our tastes in music were wildly different, the mindset was often similar.  I suppose this could apply to fans of almost any music (movie, book, etc.) genre, but old-time music is what I know best.  It has a tendency to take over your life and influence your other hobbies, your vacation sites, your home decor, what you study in graduate school, etc. 

Anyway, I borrowed the following from SteffMetal in Auckland, New Zealand.  Her blog is fun, even if you're totally not metal.  (No, I don't know her personally.)

42 Ways to Krieg Up Your Life (and the Old-Time Alternatives)

1. Metal: Air guitar on the train.
1. Old-Time: Ditto, except our air guitars are acoustic.  Air banjo, mandolin, fiddle, doghouse bass, and accordion are acceptable substitutes.

2. Metal: Make your own bullet belt.
2. Old-Time: Make your own carved leather guitar strap.

3. Metal: Alphabetize your CD/vinyl collection.
3. Old-Time: Alphabetize your CD/vinyl collection.  Catalog it if you're really insane.

4. Metal: Organize your CD/vinyl collection by sub-genre.
4. Old-Time: Organize your CD/vinyl collection by sub-genre.  Or by primary instrument.

5. Metal: Tattoo album art onto your body.
5: Old-Time: Cover your car in band stickers.  Bonus points if they're structural (see #7).

6. Metal: Draw tomato-sauce pentagrams on top of pizza.
6. Old-Time: Draw banjo rings and strings in tomato sauce on top of pizza.

7. Metal: Drive a tank.
7. Old-Time: Drive an old pick-up truck.  If you've "made it" at your real job, drive an RV and live in it six months out of the year.  If gas mileage and/or parking footprint are serious concerns, drive the smallest car you can find that will still carry an upright bass or that you can sleep in at festivals (or when your rent runs out).

8. Metal: Go hunting.
8. Old-Time: Go hunting.

9. Metal: Go hunting with a bow and arrow.
9. Old-Time: Go hunting with a bow and arrow, or a black-powder muzzleloader.

10. Metal: Learn an instrument.
10: Old-Time: Learn at least the basics on three instruments.  One of them must be guitar.

11. Metal: Attend Wacken.
11. Old-Time: Attend Clifftop.

12. Metal: Drink from a horn.
12. Old-Time: Drink from a [can in a] koozie.  Also, all fizzy soft drinks are "Coke", even if they're not (don't worry, if you ask for a Coke, we'll ask you what kind you want).

13. Metal: Be constantly broke.
13. Old-Time: Is there any other way?

14. Metal: Yell "Play some Slayer!" at concerts.  Every concert.  Even the symphony.
14. Old-Time: Yell "Play 'Cotton-Eyed Joe'!" at concerts.  Every concert.  Especially the symphony.

15. Metal: Write in runes.
15. Old-Time: Write subtitles for old-time music documentaries, because sometimes they're needed even though the interviewee is speaking English.

16. Metal: Death growl your wedding vows.
16. Old-Time: Write your wedding vows into the lyrics of an old song.  Bonus points if it's one in which the girl does not get murdered (not as easy as you thought, is it?).

17. Metal: Sign your name in virgin's blood.
17. Old-Time: Sign with an "x".

18. Metal: Quote Nietzsche at inappropriate moments.
18. Old-Time: Don't quote anybody.  We like our men of few words.

19. Metal: Quote Manowar during sex.
19. Old-Time: . . . we're really not about lyrics (let's face it, we don't do make-out music).

20. Metal: Add an umlaut to your name.
20. Old-Time: Adopt a two-name nickname (Daisy Mae, Billy Bob, etc.)

21. Metal: Plan the playlist for your funeral.
21. Old-Time: Plan the playlist for your funeral.

22. Metal: Name your health insurance policy "Metal Health".
22. Old-Time: Ask your insurance provider if your policy covers the wounds you get when when the string on your washtub bass breaks and hits you in the eye.

23. Metal: Own a sword.
23. Old-Time: Own an authentic Confederate sword.

24. Metal: Live the maxim "combat boots go with everything".
24. Old-Time: Live the maxim "cowboy boots go with everything" (overalls for you Yankees).

25. Metal: Cover all your clothing with patches . . . 
25. Old-Time: Cover your entire instrument case with stickers . . . 

26. Metal: . . . including your underwear.
26. Old-Time: . . . inside and out.  I hear they also make good replacement headliners (see #7).

27.  Metal: Buy a copy of Dawn of Black Hearts with a picture of Dead's dead body on the cover for a ridiculously inflated price.
27. Old-Time: Give your address to total strangers you meet on the Internet so they can send you bootleg copies of out-of-production fiddle albums.

28. Metal: Name your children after Cannibal Corpse songs.
28. Old-Time: Name your children after famous (OK, within the music community . . . ) banjo players.

29. Metal: Name your cat after a demon of Hell.  (LBC: Actually, mine is named for an arsenic compound.  Do I get half a point?)
29. Old-Time: Name your pets after murdered sweethearts.  ("Come here, Pretty Polly!  Who's a good dog?")

30. Metal: Chop your wood with a battle axe.
30. Old-Time: Chop your wood with your great-grandfather's axe, then use that wood to heat your house and/or smoke meat.

31. Metal: Work the words "tr00", "kvlt", "krieg", "grymm", "evil", and "nekro" into your vocabulary.
31. Old-Time: Keep a straight face while talking about pump organs.

32.  Metal: Headbang during sex.
32. Old-Time: "Whoop" during sex.

33. Metal: Design your own illegible "black metal" signature to sign important documents with.
33. Old-Time: (See #17)

34. Metal: Save your ticket stubs in a photo album, alongside guitar picks and drumstick remnants tossed from the metal gods.
34. Old-Time: Ditto, except for the drumstick remnants.  

35. Metal: Put your old underground black metal bootlegged cassette tapes on eBay for $500 apiece.
35. Old-Time: Put your field recordings of long-dead fiddlers on eBay for . . . OK, somewhat less than $500 apiece, since no old-time musician on Earth has that to spend.

36. Metal: Use the proceeds to buy beer.
36. Old-Time: Amen!

37. Metal: Eat steak at every meal.
37. Old-Time: Eat fried something at every meal.

38. Metal: Silence is golden, but blastbeats are better.
38. Old-Time: Silence is golden, but stand-up bass is better.

39. Metal: Have a side project.
39. Old-Time: Have a side project.  It doesn't have to be musical.  Bonus points if it involves power tools (ladies, sewing machines count).

40. Metal: Use |m/ in all email correspondence.
40. Old-Time: Have a tune-title email address.

41. Metal: Read this and giggle.
41. Old-Time: Read this and giggle.

42. Metal: Be yourself and to Hell with what everyone else thinks.
42: Old-Time: Be yourself and to Hell with what everyone else thinks.


Steff Metal said…
I absolutely loved this. Totally made my day!

Thanks for reading and re-interpreting my post for all those awesome "not-so" metalheads out there!

\m/ Steff